Q: Why do women like having sex with men who have been circumcised?
A: Because women can't resist something with 10% off!
Quasimodo lying moaning on the steps of Notre Dame Cathedral says," For f*** sake Esmeralda, when I said toss me off, I didn't mean the f****** balcony"!
Tough Love vs. Spanking
Most of America's populace think it's very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments".
One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. It's very effective!
Copy of an e-mail received by B&Q Customer Services Dept:
My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on the 28th November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world, and arrive back 72 days later.
Could you please tell me when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
Two
Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of
a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of
eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand
dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon,
back bacon,
double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'
forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within
5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees.....
Keep scrolling ............
"Ees, a Ham Bush"
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date with this see-through
blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets"!
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra
large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very
short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and
glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin
bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on
the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided
with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather
around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk
climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She
stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?"
the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She
was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she
noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is
open."
He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down
and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his
secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my
barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at
attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a
little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
"Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television)
did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before
the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands.
From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their
husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now
seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation,
said "Land mines".
Today they only paid us hard cash!"
A young man named John received a parrot as a
gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every
word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of
to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled
at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot
got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
He said it
reminded him of the Afghan Caves, cold dark and empty and recently taken over
by Yanks One day old man Stumpy and
his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane
rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha
and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know
you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight,
and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return
every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to
Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the
chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha
replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is
standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse
me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.
I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip
without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride
for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and
Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up,
and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The
pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to
ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy
looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha
fell out, but $10 is $10!"
After her sixth child,
Jane decided that she should have some
cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former
She was told to go into an
examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in and examines the baby,
then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed," she says.
"Well, strip down to your waist,"
he orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both
nipples, and then begins powerfully sucking on one of her t1ts.
Finally he announces, "No wonder
the baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his
aunt, but I'm really glad I came in today." The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. whew!! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh! shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband No1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be. Husband No2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband No3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband No4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband No5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband No6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband No7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband No8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband No9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. HusbandNo10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was........God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!" A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered." Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly windows. I'm going to do Something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at
Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, laying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I
can't wait to see Heaven." God said "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as Enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his
decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." "As you wish" said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming Amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with
pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that" said God. "That was the screen saver."
The husband had just finished reading
the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly
up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want
you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to
draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little
fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night
in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother,
and said, 'Here - try these on.'
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he
does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled
to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. Trees Gone Bad.......
Daughters.... A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on
the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling
hands......... Dear Mum and Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you
that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all
his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorbike. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that
we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one
of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll
be growing it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and
ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS
cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be
in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their flat. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if
there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take
care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your
grandchildren. Your loving daughter,Sharon. P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's
house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things
in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CK*NG PENALTIES !!!
ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT COMPUTERS!!!!
Gender Designation... Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even
inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you
use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here
are a few of our recommendations... COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the
right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pushed. HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over
the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go
anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot
air part. HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom. KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the
bathroom in pairs. REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say
male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, but
he keeps trying. SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with
its tongue hanging out. SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and
squeezable and retain water. SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up. SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it
appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just
opening bottles. TYRE: Male, because it goes bald and is often over
inflated. WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit
on.
Don’t talk to the Parrot!
Wanda's
dishwasher quit working so she called a
repairman.
See - Men just don't listen!
Cat Heaven!
A cat died and went to Heaven. God
met her at the gates and said, 'You have
been a good cat all these years.
Anything you want is yours for the
asking.'
God met the mice at the gates with
the same offer that He made to the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her
fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the
cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How
have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The pillow is so fluffy, and
those little Meals on Wheels you have
been sending over are delicious!'
Breeding Bulls
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
'WOW~~That's more than twice a week!
........You could learn a lot from
him.'
My wife was so excited that her elbow
nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's
once a day ..You could REALLY learn
something from this one.'
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE
PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
Thus the pattern was set and it
has never changed.
Important advice
for those investing in the Far East:
CHILDREN WRITING ABOUT THE SEA
This is a picture of an octopus. It
has 8 testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oyster’s balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
If you are surrounded by the sea you
are an island – if you don’t have sea
all around you are in continent. (Wayne
age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean and have big
teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s
not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an
arsehole on the top of it’s head. (Billy
age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie
age 6)
When ships had sails they used to use
the trade winds to cross the ocean.
Sometimes, when the wind didn’t
blow, the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come.
My brother said they would be better
off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I like their shiny tails. How do
mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I’m not going to write about the sea.
My baby brother is always screaming and
being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my
Mum,
and my big sister has just got
pregnant so I can’t think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish
can sting, electric eels can give you a
shock.
They have to live in caves
under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea it is
very cold and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go
under the water. Two divers can’t go
down alone, so they have to go down on
each other. (Becky age 8)
On holidays my Mum went water skiing.
She fell off when she was going very
fast. She says she won’t do
it again because water shot up her
fanny. (Julie age 7)
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK...
Here are six reasons why you should
think before you speak -
THIRD TESTIMONY:
COUNCIL
COMPLAINTS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY
Sunday Morning Upon hearing
that her elderly grandfather had just
passed away, Katie went straight to her
grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
Little Mark
LITTLE MARK ON MATH
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR
SHINGLES
Those
of us who spend time in a doctor's
office should appreciate this! Doesn't
it seem more and more that physicians
are running their practices like an
assembly line? Here's what happened to
Bubba:
Interesting facts, and the Pig.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and
6 days you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
The
human heart creates enough pressure
when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without
its head
before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour
The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body
length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you
imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
A
cat’s urine glows under black light.
(I wonder
who was paid to figure that out?
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its
brain.
(What about that pig??)
Grizzly sent this to Foxy, who sent it
on to me:
The National Roads Safety Council has
done extensive testing on
Correct installation is illustrated
below.....
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!
SENIOR DATING
IRENE
and Jackie,
two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Then
he takes me out for dinner... a
marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then
we go see a show.
Let
me tell you, Irene I enjoyed it so much
I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my
apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my
expensive new dress and has his way with
me two times!'
Working people
frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting.
A new Marine Captain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote
post in The Afghanistan Desert. During
his first inspection of the outfit, he
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is
kept there. The nervous sergeant said,
'Well sir, as you know, there are 250
men
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I
condone this, but I understand about
'urges', so the camel can stay .'
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant,
'Is that how the men do it?'
HOW
TO TELL THE GENDER OF A FLY
Newsflash
Bin Laden has been caught hiding in the Man U 2004/5 trophy room.
youthful glory because her barn doors were dangling a bit too low and looked
like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she
reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with
a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather
than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her
anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit
confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon, the
operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to
say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a
success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first
time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?".
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just
wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
His wife replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my guess."
So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied,
'...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since
that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on, his
honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So
she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says,
"...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't
want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try
on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says,
"...exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following
suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love,
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasise
and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and
he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still
unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with
great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You
see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel". 
The Smiths
were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to
start their family. On the day the proxy
father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm
off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour
later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've
come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut
in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting
you."
"Have you really?" said the
photographer. "Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had
hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a
moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where
do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try
two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And
sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder
it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a
good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's
a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to
take his time. I'd love to be in and out
in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
disappointed with that."
"Don't I
know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. "This was done on the top of a
bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed,
grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out
exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work
with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to
take her to the park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four
and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and
five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
wide with amazement.
"Yes," the photographer replied, "and,
for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and
yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to
rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all
in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean
they actually chewed on your, um,
equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.
Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right
away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes,
Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held
in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith
fainted.
Since she had to go to work the next
day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave
the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a cheque".
"Oh, by the way don't worry about
my dog Spike.
He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do
Not, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT,
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's
apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking
dog he has ever seen but, just as she
had said, the dog just lay there on the
carpet watching the repairman go about
his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the
whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,"
Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied,
"Get him, Spike!"
The cat thought for a minute and then
said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and
slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a real fluffy pillow to sleep
on.'
God said, 'Say no more.'
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy
pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed
in an accident and they all went to
Heaven together.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run
all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and
even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we
would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice
had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check
on the cat.
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I
have never been so happy in my life.
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one
of the first exhibits we stopped at was
the breeding bulls. We went up to the
first pen and there was a sign attached
that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50
TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs
...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times
last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a
sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST
YEAR"
We walked to the third pen and it had a
sign attached that said, in capital
letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and
ask him if it was with the same old
cow.'
PS. My condition has been upgraded from
critical to stable and I should
eventually make a full recovery.
To those of us who have children in our
lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or
students... here is something to make
you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of
control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did
not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God
created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was “DON'T !”
'Don't what? ' Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God
said. ' No Way ! '
'Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden
fruit ? Hey Eve.we have forbidden fruit
!'
'Yes way! '
'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God.
'Why ? '
'Because I am your Father and I said so
! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't
stopped creation after making the
elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His
children having an apple break and He
was ticked
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit
? ' God asked.
'Uh huh,' Adam replied.
'Then why did you ? ' said the Father.
'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it ! ' Adam said.
'Did not ! ' 'Did too ! ' 'DID
NOT ! '
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !
If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on
yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of
their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen
telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for
not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some
animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In
fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding
children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than
your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they
are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose
your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET
A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM
CHILDREN'!!!!!
Following the problems in the sub-prime
lending market, the run on
Northern Rock and the minor loophole at
Soc Gen, market uncertainty has now hit
Japan.
In the last 24 hours, Origami Bank has
folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly
up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to
cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke
Bank is up for sale and will
probably go for a song, while today
shares in Kamikaze Bank were
suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank
got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on
at Sushi Bank where it is feared
that staff may get a raw deal.
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you
could
immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few
people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon
with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo
and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and
never went back
My husband didn't say a word... He knew
better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I
had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and
said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls"
My sister and I were at the
mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we
needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your
nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one
afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and
annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start
behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye
and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter
in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of
problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a
quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining
room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny,
So of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked
to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said "No" .
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has
had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me."
Then I said, " Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an
accident, because the smell was getting
worse.
So I asked one more time, " Danny did
you have an accident ? This time he
jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd
ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST
TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news
anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but
don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the
day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
These are genuine clips from council
complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the
front and my back passage has fungus
growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates
the whole house and I just can't take it
anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to
swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker
as it has backfired and burnt my knob
off.
5. I wish to complain that my father
hurt his ankle very badly then he put
his foot in the hole in his back
passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is
continually banging his balls against my
fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are
missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night
that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do
I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink,
which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend
the garden path? My wife tripped and
fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my
drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp,
50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with
smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot
bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look
at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half
and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer
across the road; every morning at 6 am
his cock wakes me up and its now getting
too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large
erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have
two children and would like a third, so
please send someone round to do
something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a
downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the
man on top of me every night.
21. This is to let you know that our
lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.
When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a
heart attack while we were making love
on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother
that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for
trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many
years ago, realizing our advanced age,
we figured out the best time to do it
was when the church bells would start to
ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the
Ding and out on the Dong."
She Paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if the
Ice Cream Van hadn't come along."
A teacher asks her class, "If there are
5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot
one of them, how many will be left?" She
calls on little MARK.
He replies, "None, they will all fly
away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer
is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little MARK says, "I have a
question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench
having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone
The third is biting off the top of the
ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal,
replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the
cone."
To which Little MARK replied, "The
correct answer is 'the one with the
Wedding ring on," but I like your
thinking."
LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)
Little MARK returns from school and says
he got an F in arithmetic
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I
said "6", replies MARK.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much
is 3x2?'"
"What's the f**king difference?" asks
the father
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH
Little MARK goes to school, and the
teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does
anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow,
little MARK, that's a mouthful."
Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers,
you're thinking of a blowjob."
Little MARK was sitting in class one
day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to
the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss
Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is
NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to
use is 'urinate'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a
sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go."
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then
says, "You're an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper
grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word
"beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who
responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet
and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then
the teacher reluctantly called on little
MARK.
"Last night at the dinner table, my
sister told my father that she was
Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just
f**king beautiful!'"
LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER
Little MARK was sitting on a park bench
munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench
across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy
isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little MARK replied, "My grandfather
lived to be 107 years old.."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat
6 candy bars at a time?"
Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his
own f**king business.
I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and
the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote
down his name, address, medical
insurance number and told him to have a
seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide
came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote
down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Bubba to wait
in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and
asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,
'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a
blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to
take off all his clothes and wait for
the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and
found Bubba sitting patiently in the
nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked,
'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years
and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
(O.M.G.!)
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
(Don't try this at home,
maybe at
work)
(Honey, I'm home. What the. ..?!)
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of
a pond?)
(I
still want to be a pig in my next
life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their
feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is
the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average,
nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If
you're ambidextrous, do you split the
difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that
cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know
some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If
they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only
species that have sex for pleasure.
Now that you've smiled at least once,
it's your
turn to spread these crazy facts and
send this to someone you want to bring a
smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to
everyone !
(and God love that pig!)
a newly designed seat belt. Results show
that accidents can be
reduced by as much as 95% when the belt
is properly installed:
Irene
: 'That
nice George Johnson asked me out for a
date. I know you went out with him last
week, and I wanted to talk with you
about him before I give him my answer.'
Jackie
: 'Well,
I'll tell you. He shows up at my
apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed
like such a gentleman in a fine suit,
and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a
luxury car... a limousine, uniformed
chauffeur and all.
Irene
: 'Goodness gracious!... so
you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?'
Jacky
: 'No, no, no... I'm just
saying, wear an old dress.'
Well, for example, the other day my wife
and I went into town and went into a
shop. We were only in there for about 5
minutes. When we came out, there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket. We
went up to him and said, "Come on man,
how about giving a senior citizen a
break?" He ignored us and continued
writing the ticket.. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn
tyres.
So my wife called him a shithead. He
finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This
went on for about 20 minutes. The more
we abused him, the more tickets he
wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into
town by bus. We try to have a little fun
each day now that we're retired. It's
important at our age
.
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who
smelled like beer, sat
down on a subway seat
next to a priest. The
man's tie was stained,
his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After
a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and
asked, 'Say Father, what
causes arthritis?'
The priest
replies, 'My Son, it's
caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around
with prostitutes and
lack of a bath.'
The drunk
muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be
damned,' Then returned
to his paper.
The priest, thinking
about what he had said,
nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very
sorry. I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How
long have you had
arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I
don't have it, Father. I
was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
noticed a Camel hitched up behind the
mess tent.
here on the post and no women. And sir,
sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's
why we have Molly The Camel.'
About a month later, the Captain starts
having his own 'urges'. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring
the camel to his tent. Putting
a ladder behind the camel, the Captain
stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild, insane sex with the
camel.
'No not really, sir..They usually just
ride the camel into town......
where the girls are.