Q: Why do women like having sex with men who have been circumcised?
A: Because women can't resist something with 10% off!
Quasimodo lying moaning on the steps of Notre Dame Cathedral says," For f*** sake Esmeralda, when I said toss me off, I didn't mean the f****** balcony"!
Tough Love vs. Spanking
Most of America's populace think it's very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments".
One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. It's very effective!
Copy of an e-mail received by B&Q Customer Services Dept:
My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on the 28th November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world, and arrive back 72 days later.
Could you please tell me when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
Two
Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of
a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of
eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand
dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon,
back bacon,
double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'
forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within
5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees.....
Keep scrolling ............
"Ees, a Ham Bush"
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date with this see-through
blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets"!
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra
large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very
short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and
glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin
bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on
the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided
with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather
around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk
climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She
stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?"
the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She
was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she
noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is
open."
He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down
and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his
secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my
barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at
attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a
little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
"Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television)
did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before
the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands.
From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their
husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now
seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation,
said "Land mines".
Today they only paid us hard cash!"
A young man named John received a parrot as a
gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every
word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of
to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled
at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot
got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
He said it
reminded him of the Afghan Caves, cold dark and empty and recently taken over
by Yanks One day old man Stumpy and
his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane
rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha
and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know
you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight,
and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return
every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to
Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the
chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha
replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is
standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse
me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.
I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip
without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride
for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and
Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up,
and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The
pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to
ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy
looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha
fell out, but $10 is $10!"
She was told to go into an
examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in and examines the baby,
then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed," she says.
"Well, strip down to your waist,"
he orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both
nipples, and then begins powerfully sucking on one of her t1ts.
Finally he announces, "No wonder
the baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his
aunt, but I'm really glad I came in today." The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. whew!! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh! shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband No1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be. Husband No2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband No3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband No4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband No5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband No6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband No7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband No8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband No9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. HusbandNo10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was........God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!" A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered." Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly windows. I'm going to do Something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at
Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, laying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I
can't wait to see Heaven." God said "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as Enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his
decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." "As you wish" said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming Amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with
pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that" said God. "That was the screen saver."
The husband had just finished reading
the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly
up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want
you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to
draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little
fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night
in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother,
and said, 'Here - try these on.'
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he
does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled
to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. Trees Gone Bad.......
Daughters.... A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on
the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling
hands......... Dear Mum and Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you
that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all
his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorbike. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that
we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one
of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll
be growing it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and
ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS
cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be
in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their flat. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if
there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take
care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your
grandchildren. Your loving daughter,Sharon. P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's
house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things
in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CK*NG PENALTIES !!!
ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT COMPUTERS!!!!
Gender Designation... Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even
inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you
use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here
are a few of our recommendations... COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the
right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pushed. HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over
the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go
anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot
air part. HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom. KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the
bathroom in pairs. REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say
male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, but
he keeps trying. SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with
its tongue hanging out. SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and
squeezable and retain water. SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up. SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it
appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just
opening bottles. TYRE: Male, because it goes bald and is often over
inflated. WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit
on.
The National Roads Safety Council has
done extensive testing on
Correct installation is illustrated
below.....
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THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!
SENIOR D
Working people
frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting.
A new Marine Captain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote
post in The Afghanistan Desert. During
his first inspection of the outfit, he
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is
kept there. The nervous sergeant said,
'Well sir, as you know, there are 250
men
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I
condone this, but I understand about
'urges', so the camel can stay .'
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant,
'Is that how the men do it?'
HOW
TO TELL THE GENDER OF A FLY
Grandma’s 100th
Birthday
The family wheeled Grandma out on the
lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were
taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but
she would write notes when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn,
Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed
her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning
off to her left, so again the Family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her
left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the
family members again grabbed her, then
tied a pillowcase around her waist to
hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to
Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're
looking good! How are they treating
you?'
FIREMAN SEX
A Fireman
came home from work one day and told his
wife,
'You know,
we have a wonderful system at the fire
station:
BELL 1
rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2
rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3
rings and we're on the fire truck ready
to go.
From now on when I say BELL 1, I
want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2, I want you to
jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3, We are
going to make love all night.' The
next night he came home from work and
yelled, 'BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her
clothes off.
When he
yelled 'BELL 2!', the
wife jumped into bed. When
he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making
love. After
a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the
hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL
OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied,
'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE !'
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his
small chair at the table.
It was Mummy Bear
who got up first It was Mummy Bear
who woke everyone
in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made
the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who
unloaded the dishwasher from last night
and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who
swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air
to fetch The newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set
the damn table.
I HAVEN'T MADE THE
F***KING PORRIDGE YET!!
A Florida couple, both well into
their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do
for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us
have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows,
but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that
he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the
doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have
intercourse." He thanks them for coming,
he wishes them good luck, he charges
them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the
couple returns and asks the sex
therapist to watch again. The sex
therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a
row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays
the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of
this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are
you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not
trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton
charges $139. We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare...!
After a two year loan to the United
States, Michelangelo's David is being
returned to Italy . .
.
His Proud Sponsors were:
GOTTA PEE
Both were very faithful and loving wives
but they had been over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they
needed to pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so
she thought she would take off her
panties and use them.
Her friend, however, was wearing a
rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next
to a grave that
had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband
was concerned that his normally sweet he
worst and innocent wife was still in bed
hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said: 'These girl nights out
have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst, my wife came home
with no panties!!'
'From
all of us at the FireStation. We'll
never forget you.'
Garfield on the Oil Crisis
A Christmas Story for people
having a bad day:
CHEMISTRY MID TERM EXAM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went
into a pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist,
Dating
in the1960's
It was a hot Saturday evening in the
summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with
Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the
bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother
said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would
you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom
brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to
do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh,
probably catch a movie, and then maybe
grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the
beach..' 'Peggy
likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed
him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows
rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When
she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,'
said the mother. 'As a
matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said
as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening. A
moment later, Peggy Sue came down the
stairs looking pretty as a picture,
wearing a pink blouse and a hooped
skirt,and with her hair tied back in a
bouncy ponytail. She
greeted Fred. 'Have
fun, kids!' the mother said as they
left.
'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily
yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The f**king dance is called the
Twist !!!'
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side
of the swamp near the lake.
Should
the UK adopt the Euro? A
survey of 6700 typical people in the UK,
made up of
Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles,
Iraqis, Somalis, Nigerians, Angolans
Ghanians, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks,
Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians
were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to
the Euro.
99.3% said NO, they were
happy with the Giro!
HERE'S YOUR "AHHHH" FOR THE DAY....
When he finally got done putting the
fire out he sat down to catch his breath
and rest.
FIRST TIME SEX
Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out & make
love for the first time.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head
down, the girlfriend leans over &
whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no
idea you were this religious.' The boy
turns & whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.!"
I
The sign on the
platform said if I stood
too close to the edge I might get sucked
off ......
Four bloody hours I waited today!
For his birthday, little Joseph asked
for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you
one, but the mortgage on this house is
£280,000 and your mother just lost her
job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little
Joseph heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are
you going?'
Little
Joseph told him; 'I was walking past
your room last night and heard you
telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too, and I'll be
damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a £280,000 mortgage and no bike!
The
priest in
a small Irish village loved his rooster and ten hens,
which
he kept in the hen house behind the
church.
One
Sunday morning, before mass,
he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was
missing.
'Has anybody got a cock?'
Has anybody seen a cock?'
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't
belong to them?'
Has
anybody seen
Sixteen
altar boys, two priests and a goat stood
up.
TWO OLD
MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST
DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE
TOWN.
Newsflash
Bin Laden has been caught hiding in the Man U 2004/5 trophy room.
His wife replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my guess."
So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied,
'...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since
that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on, his
honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So
she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says,
"...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't
want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try
on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says,
"...exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following
suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love,
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasise
and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and
he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still
unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with
great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You
see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel". 
a newly designed seat belt. Results show
that accidents can be
reduced by as much as 95% when the belt
is properly installed:
Well, for example, the other day my wife
and I went into town and went into a
shop. We were only in there for about 5
minutes. When we came out, there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket. We
went up to him and said, "Come on man,
how about giving a senior citizen a
break?" He ignored us and continued
writing the ticket.. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn
tyres.
So my wife called him a shithead. He
finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This
went on for about 20 minutes. The more
we abused him, the more tickets he
wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into
town by bus. We try to have a little fun
each day now that we're retired. It's
important at our age
.
noticed a Camel hitched up behind the
mess tent.
here on the post and no women. And sir,
sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's
why we have Molly The Camel.'
About a month later, the Captain starts
having his own 'urges'. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring
the camel to his tent. Putting
a ladder behind the camel, the Captain
stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild, insane sex with the
camel.
'No not really, sir..They usually just
ride the camel into town......
where the girls are.
"What are you doing ?" she
asked. "Hunting
flies", he responded.
"Oh ! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, and 2 females," he
replied.
He responded, "Three were on a
beer can, and two were on the phone."
Grandma took out her little notepad and
slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
He looks into his small bowl. It is
empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and
sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also
empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the
serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how
many times do I have to go through
this with you idiots?
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody
dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave
them their food, and refilled their
water.
'And now that you've decided to drag
your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with
your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only
going to say this once....
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden
feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk
to.
God said that He was going to make Adam
a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather
food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she
will wash them for you.
She will always agree with every
decision you make and she will not nag
you,
and will always be the first to admit
she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children,
and never ask you to get up in the
middle of the night to take care of
them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like
this cost?'
God replied, "An arm and a leg!"
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a
rib?"
Of course, the rest is History !
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her
ass that said,
'
'Cut a notch out
of your holster where the hammer hits
it.
That'll give you
a smoother draw'
'
A lot of folks can't understand how we
came to have an oil shortage here in our
country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting
low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely
geographical.
Our OIL is located in the
North Sea
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS are
located in
Westminster!!!
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota
which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The
toy laughs when you tickle it under the
arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me
Elmo factory, and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8.45am there is a
knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The foreman throws open the door and
begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow
and the whole line is backing up putting
the entire production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should
see for himself, so the two men march
down to the factory floor.
when they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Elmo's all over
the factory floor, and they're really
beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena
surrounded by mountain of Tickle
Me Elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a
huge bag of marbles.
The 2 men wath in amazement as she cuts
a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around 2 marbles, and begins to
carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into
laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able
to keep a straight face, 'but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I
gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test
tickles!’
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was
coming to visit, which stressed Santa
even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he
found that three of them were about to
give birth and two others had jumped the
fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh,
one of the floorboards cracked, the toy
bag fell to the ground and all the toys
were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for
a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
little glass pieces all over the kitchen
floor. He went to get the broom and
found the mice had eaten all the straw
off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and
irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry
Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little
angel on top of the Christmas tree.
First, we need to know how the mass of
Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate, at which, souls are moving into Hell and the
rate, at which, they're leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
Most of
these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell.
Since there is more than one
of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially.
This gives two possibilities:
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Defence
Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist,
was in her eighties and had never
been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things,
a condom!
.
looked straight into his eyes, and said,
'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world
do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison
my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he
exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both
of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and
pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied, 'Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a
prescription!”
Only an Aussie could pull this
one off!
A true story from the Mount Isa in
Queensland .
Recently a routine Police patrol car
parked outside a local neighbourhood
pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for
a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity
and trying his keys on five vehicles.
The man managed to find his car, which
he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a
number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night). Then flicked the
indicators on, then off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm,
reversed a little and then remained
stationary for a few more minutes as
some more vehicles left. At last he
pulled out of the car park and started
to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently
waited all this time, now started up the
patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried
out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser
indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.
The Police officer said 'I'll have to
ask you to accompany me to the Police
station - this breathalyser equipment
must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight
I'm the designated decoy'.
The smaller one turned to the
bigger one and said, 'I can't understand
how
you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same
size
as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what
have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,'
replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch
them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp
near the parking lot by the Capitol.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch
them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of
their Lexus cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out,
grab them by the leg, shake the Shit out
of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I
think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See,
by the time you finish shaking the Shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing
left but an arsehole and a briefcase!”
A photographer from the Charlotte North
Carolina newspaper noticed her in the
distance looking at the fireman.
He saw her walking straight toward the
fire-fighter and wondered what she was
going to do.
As he raised his camera she came up to
the
tired man who had just saved her life
and the lives of her babies and kissed
him just as the photographer snapped
this photograph.
A
girl asks her boyfriend to come over
Friday night to meet & have dinner with
her parents.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time & the pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about
condoms & sex.. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or
family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time & all.
That night, the boy shows up at the
girl's parents house & meets his
girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!' The boy goes
inside & is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The
boy quickly offers to say grace & bows
his head. A minute passes & the boy is
still deep in prayer, with his head
down. 10 minutes pass & still no
movement from the boy.
He
knew about cock fights in the village,
During mass, he asked the congregation,
All
the men stood up.
'No, no,'
All
the women stood up.
'No, no,'
Half
the women stood up.
'No, no,'
The
priest fainted
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE
LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO
THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN
EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT
WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY
WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD, AND THE
TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF
THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN
SAYS, "YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY
THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND
ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK
MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU
SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING
HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,
THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKING
MY
TEETH WITH HER."
One broom was, of course, the bride
broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in
her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The
wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding
dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and
said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am
going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
(Sounds to me like she's been sweeping
around!!!)
She heard the train
stop and her son saying, 'All of You
b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos
we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds
who are getting on, get on now, 'cos
we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified
mother went in and told her son, 'We
don't use that kind of language in this
house. Now I want you to go to your room
and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out,
you may play with your train, but I want
you to use nice language.'
Two hours later,
the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard her
son say,
'All passengers who
are disembarking the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings
with you.
We thank you for
travelling with us today and hope your
trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the
little boy continue,
'For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of
your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the
train.
We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today.'
As the mother began
to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please see the fat controller in
the kitchen!'.